100% Real Swingers All Stars – Vivid
It’s not entirely relevant to this review, but my first real experience with personal sexual awareness was instigated by a Metallica poster. I’ve had a thing for hair metal since before I understood that every rose had its thorn and no one took leather pants more seriously than I did. Many were the nights I lay in bed wondering what unjust God created me too late to be a wall-banged groupie in the crowd at a Guns N’ Roses concert. Or a Skid Row concert. Or Saigon Kick.
As I fantasized about excessive hairspray and eyeliner (on myself and men alike,) Phil Varone was touring the world as the drummer for Saigon Kick. When I finally became old enough to actually attend a show, he had moved on to Skid Row.
I had the pleasure of meeting Phil a few times in 2001. He eventually left Skid Row to return to Saigon Kick, and now we’ve both found our true callings in the adult industry.
I chuckled when Phil’s sex tape emerged in 2011. It seemed a logical escalation for a guy who once enjoyed a website completely devoted to the boasting and bitching of his groupies. “Phil Varone’s Secret Sex Stash” is a product of Vivid, a studio well-established enough to have been filming porn those nights I dreamt of cock rockers. The company that brought you Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton, and Kim Kardashian enjoys a virtual monopoly on celebrity porn.
Shortly after Phil’s sex tape dropped, along came his line of signature sex toys, brought to you by California Exotics. It included dildos, various girth enhancers (presumably for emulating Phil as these aren’t products he himself would need,) nipple clamps, and, my favorite, autographed vibrating drumsticks.
Phil Varone now owns an agency managing adult performers and directs his own series of DVDs for Vivid. In “100% Real Swingers,” he attends orgies across the country and documents real swingers having real sex–a genre that is sadly and surprisingly undersaturated.
“100% Real Swingers All Stars” purports to bring nine examples of stand-out talent from previous volumes together. I watched the intro twice (it’s quite easy to get distracted with a job like mine) but I still only caught the names of two of the couples, Siri and Brad and Charisma and Derrick, both from Las Vegas. Maybe the others were newbies, maybe they prefered anonymity, or maybe I was entranced by Siri’s big, natural boobs when their names flashed across the screen. Really, I don’t care, and probably no one does, because the beauty of a movie like this is that while they may be all-stars, the performers aren’t porn stars.
I could take you through the DVD frame by frame, telling you how it starts (Siri and two men,) how it ends (a winner’s circle complete with cash and trophies) and one of my favorite stops along the way (a relentless girl/girl strap on scene) but that’s all just sprinkles. 100% Real Swingers All Stars is one extended orgy with one congruous vibe: the happy and unapologetic pursuit of sexual satisfaction. Unlike some studio stuff where you can’t help but wonder if the performers are truly enjoying themselves, it is totally believable that everyone participating here revels in their sexual liberation.
The participants are real–attractive, but certainly flawed. The only “props” are a couple of strap-ons and a few strips of Magnums. The set is a modest living room bathed in neutrals. There is no additional lighting, no direction to suck in, pout, or moan, and taking cell phone video is obviously not disallowed.
The feature is a full two hours, so for quite a while, everyone plays. It’s fun and it’s hot, but it isn’t until the last ten minutes that you see that beautiful loss of control–happy orgasms abound. And on the outro, I caught the other perfomers’ names: Nikki, Kyle, Harper, and Damien.
100% Real Swingers is amateur porn done right with the added kink of swinging and swapping. If that’s your thing, try this series. If that’s not your thing, try this series. Just as toy monogamy sucks, there’s no fun in sticking to a porn comfort zone, and real amateur action is a fantastic area to explore. I said it fifteen years ago and I’ll say it again: nobody does it like Phil Varone.