Fun factory’s Big Boss has been around for a while. I’ve eyed him, of course. He’s pretty, powerful, and crafted by one of my favorite companies. Honestly, he’s the perfect blend of the two Fun Factory toys I’ve previously reviewed. He possesses the strength of Stronic Drei and the creative innovation of Bouncer that makes masturbating in headstand seem appealing.

But I didn’t pursue Big Boss. In fact, when my friends at Fun Factory asked what I might like to try next, I requested the Layaspot. A cute, ergonomic clitoral stimulator available in a variety of colors, she’s interested me for a long time. Other than a platonic trip to Target, however, she has spent her time with me languishing in the queue of my to-be-reviewed toys.

In the meantime, Big Boss got an upgrade. He joined the likes of Tiger and Patchy Paul by achieving G5 status. This means an upgraded motor, increased flexibility, and more options for vibration and pulsation. There’s only so much a girl can take before giving in and going for what she really wants.

Big Boss G5 aptly arrived while I was attending a yoga retreat in California. When I returned to work and found him beside my office door, I sighed. I gently unboxed him, bit my lip, and marveled at how long it had taken us to come together.

There’s nothing about him I don’t like. Big boss features 12 intense patterns of vibration, a gentle curve, and an exciting size. Like all Fun Factory toys, he’s composed of sturdy, hypoallergenic silicone. Like most, he’s rechargeable.

If you know me, you know that I like my toys attractive. The Big Boss, with his subtly realistic ridges, is inherently charming. His easy sense of humor combined with an undeniable, playful power make him irresistible. Once I got him home, all bets were off.

Big Boss bypassed Layaspot and countless other toys in my closet queue. Holding him once was enough to earn him a full-time feature in my fantasies. It wasn’t his turn, but it was silly to presume I could wait.

One of the first things I learned about Big Boss is that “it’s complicated.” His bright red “FUN” button turns him on and off, but after that things get a bit nutty. It took a lengthy pants-on test, our entire playtime, a video, and a few pictures from the (mostly German) instruction manual for me to become half certain that he starts on level three, the minus button takes you down from there, and the plus button takes you back up.

I’m pretty sure that if you hit “plus” while on level 12 you get an otherworldly phantom level, which is maybe a combination of the self-described “Constant,” “Aerobic,” and “Razzle Dazzle” modes.

A more diligent reviewer might have devoted additional time to figuring things out. Instead, I shrugged my shoulders and put him in my mouth. I did that mostly to see if he fit. He mostly didn’t.

Afterwards, I paired Big Boss with the Tantus Rumble. A lesser clitoral stimulator would have been insulting but anything more intense might have distracted from our highly anticipated first moments. Rumble worked its magic–I was clear-headed and primed with just the right amount of buzz when Big Boss made his entrance.

Penetration brought a pleasant jolt that quickly melted into a warm and familiar sense of fullness. With a circumference of 5.5 inches, Big Boss is hefty toy. His size reminds me of the Tantus Duchess, which is half an inch wider at the head and half an inch more narrow through the shaft. I prefer Duchess’ superior silicone, but Big Boss beats all with that curve.

I admit that I withdrew and added lubricant. Twice. But once we found our groove, I found myself struggling to pause long enough to fiddle with the buttons or change positions. I cycled blindly through a few modes, managed to shove a pillow under my hips, and quickly confirmed that he also kicks ass as a clitoral stimulator. But what I really wanted to do with Big Boss was pull him as far into me as possible and enjoy his intensity. His quiet, rumbling motor and flexible shaft were entirely satisfying.

And afterwards, I sprawled back onto my bed as sleepy and satisfied as if I’d consumed a large bowl of forbidden pasta. There was no guilt, only satisfaction, and I think I could have stayed there all night.

But someone had to write this review.

Big Boss isn’t going to be my next boyfriend. I’ve already got a dinner date and someone to watch movies with. Rafael and Rashad are still steaming about Alan. But even now, I’m fondly recollecting his details and conspiring about the things we might do next.

I appreciate his complexities and his many modes. The complicated map of his instruction manual isn’t really my concern. I enjoy Fun Factory’s Big Boss.

Enjoy yours here.