Contour – NS Novelties
What is the deal with me and weirdo toys? I should definitely settle down with a nice, normal toy. We could move out to the country and lead a quiet life. I will do the laundry if he pays all the bills. But what if I wake up one day and wonder, where has my John Wayne gone? Where is my prairie song? Where is my happy ending?
Dirty T failed me, but my friend, Sarah saved this review.
Because I just HAD TO HAVE the Contour G, tonight I found myself getting intimately acquainted with a hard, plastic vibrator flaunting an extreme curve. Not just a g-spot bend, but a sinister crook, like Mr. Burns’s back or the summoning finger of Satan himself. But Contour is white and pink, comes in a pretty box, and is made by the toy manufacturer most likely to make an honest woman out of me.
And I’m a sucker for g-spot toys. And when you have as many toys as I do, a different shape is enticing, no matter how unlikely it is to please. And I actually have pretty good history with black sheep.
Almost immediately, however, Contour started lying to me. His box claims he’s into AAs. When I opened him up, his battery compartment shut me down. Dude’s motor only runs on AAAs. I knew this was a bad sign, but I wasn’t discouraged. He had such a charming TPR (read: sort of soft) tip and seven modes of vibration and pulsation. Besides, part of me was holding out hope that his inflexibility and dramatic curve might somehow recollect the greatest sex toy of all time.
We went to bed with Uberlube and Siri. (I know, I’ve been stuck on a Siri kick, but she’s just SO GOOD.) I started on level one, began to insert Contour and thought these things in this order:
My ultimate “why not” came when Contour seemed perfectly in place but I still did not feel the warmth emitted by that magical g-spot button. Contour felt “hooked” the way the Njoy Pure Wand hooks, except I actually felt HOOKED. I felt more stuck than teased. Also upsetting was that the handle of the toy curved so close to the outside of my body that it encroached on Siri’s space. The proximity didn’t interfere with clitoral stimulation, but it felt a bit awkward.
In an effort to really figure out what, if anything, was wrong, I momentarily took Contour out of play and called in Gigi. The difference in sensation was immediate. I switched the toys out three or four times. I varied the angle and depth of Contour. I even tried pulling it against myself as hard as I comfortably could. No amount of tinkering resulted in the desired sensation.
I feel like the shape of Contour is simply just wrong. At least for me. Someone should tell him to stop trying so hard. Chill out a little bit. Be yourself. Even girls who prefer bad boys eventually try to drown them.
Contour claims to be bathtub friendly. I quite frankly didn’t believe him. After a cold night spent in a cup of water, however, my man woke up vibrating. Bravo, Contour. Bravo.
I’d be remiss if I didn’t add that I used Contour to completion and it was one of the strongest finishes I’ve had in a while. I want to credit other factors, but until next time, we won’t know. I guess I got my happy ending after all.