Hogtied 9 – Kink.com
For the same reason l will never own a Kindle and also because I enjoy making a living, I’m not a big fan of online porn. However, even I have a couple of favorites I keep on hand for when there’s nary a DVD player in sight, and Kink.com is one. When the company behind so much fantastic fetish material started producing DVDs, I was elated. I wasn’t alone. I order and sell twice as many Kink.com new releases than 90% of the other companies I stock. It’s no surprise–not only is Kink damn well made, it fills a huge gap in the market–namely, BDSM that doesn’t look like it was filmed in your creepy uncle’s basement sometime in the late-80s.
From Divine Bitches (femdom) to Ultimate Surrender (wrestling) to Foot Worship (guess) Kink.com’s series run the gauntlet, and they do it all well. Today’s selection is the first I’ve seen of Hogtied. I chose it in the hopes that it would be similar to the outlandish awesomeness of the Device Bondage series. I don’t know what it is about a forced orgasm that gets me all mushy inside, (or maybe I do.) It’s like a force fantasy justified by the fact that the woman is enjoying herself. Never mind that maybe she’s not. But fantasy is fantasy, so, hey, stop by Taboo Broad Street and check out this forced orgasm belt!
Hogtied 9 is about forced orgasms, but for most of this flick, they seem neither forced nor orgasms. The first two “victims,” Carissa Montgomery and Veruca James, are dressed in the God awful attire that adult men associate with barely legal girls–hairbows the size of dinner plates, semi-sheer knee socks, and flouncy skirts. “I love this outfit–it’s so cute!” Carissa giggles. Shut up, you’re 32.
Hogtied 9 features three stars in three scenes each. The girls are introduced with brief interviews covering why they’re there, what they like, and proof that they know the safe words. We learn that Veruca James’ favorite thing about being tied up is “being tied up” and that, in a happy coincidence, Zoey Monroe’s favorite people to work with are the good folks at Kink.com and the Magic Wand (Kink’s tool of choice) gives her the best orgasms. (Just don’t put wasabi on her asshole.)
Carissa Montgomery has impossibly large boobs and reminds me of Eva Gabor. She’s very pretty and a natural at playing the trapped young girl. I imagine she takes pride in the fact that she can frown, pout, and whimper and suck her belly in at the same time. Scene one was full of over-acting and puppy dog eyes and scene two was more of the same, with slight discomfort/actual arousal setting in. In scene three we walk in on her frogtied. She struggles against the wand, drools a little, and for the first time her plight seems real. When, in her follow-up interview she’s asked in which scene she came the hardest, it’s no surprise she names the last, but I still wonder if she came at all.
Veruca James is young and beautiful. She sweetly requests no caning because she “can’t have marks.” Either she’s super vain, her boyfriend is ignorant of her career, or she’s got her heart set on mainstream acting. I perversely prefer the latter, and now pleasantly associate her with Penny from The Big Bang Theory. When her first scene opens, she’s locked in a box. Afterwards, she’s tied up, tossed around, turned into a swing (that part was pretty cool) and strapped spread eagle to a chair. There’s a wand on a stick and electrical play and I might have bought her dismay had I not caught her SPITTING ON HER OWN CLIT. Twice. When I’m sad and searching for comfort, I pour a big mug of hot cocoa and listen to Adele. I have never (in that mood) spit on my clit. I think she came, maybe, but who can trust a girl like that?
Unlike Carrissa and Veruca, who, while far from seeming stale, interview like they’ve been around the block, Zoey Monroe immediately strikes me as brand new and quite stupid. She says she’s been “in and out” of the industry for a whopping two years, so I assume I could count her scenes on one and a half hands. She doesn’t even know what a riding crop is! But mamma didn’t raise no quitter, so I settle in and prepare myself for what will surely be the silliest set on Hogtied 9.
Instead of being bound from the get-go, Zoey is nicely dressed and losing at poker. Her parter wins the right to tie her to a chair, gag her, and consensually have his way. Maybe because Zoey doesn’t have the pressure of acting like an abductee of indeterminate age, her set is smoother, more realistic, and surprisingly hotter. And then… SHE SQUIRTS! OH MY GOD, THIS GIRL SHOULD BE A STAR! It’s endless! Stream after stream! If you’re one of those people who think squirting = peeing, take it from me–I could down a two liter of Diet Mountain Dew on a road trip across the desert and upon arriving at the first Exxon in 200 miles would still not emit that volume of fluid.
Situations two and three take place on a pool table, include a wand bound to her by rope and a dildo strapped to a stick, and end the same way–with Zoey whimpering in a pool of her own cum. I really hope someone is getting this girl a Gatorade between scenes. The second is so fantastic James Mogul is compelled to close with a dildo mic drop and by the end of scene three, puddles have formed on the felt of the table. In the post interview, Zoey is dewy and happy and even if I hadn’t witnessed a half an hour of her shuddering and half a gallon of her cum, I’d know she’d achieved satisfaction.
A quick shout-out to the dudes in Hogtied 9: Male doms typically take the backseat in BDSM flicks. I’m sure Sgt. Major and James Mogul did an amazing job. It certainly seems Carissa, Veruca, and Zoey would agree. James, I really enjoyed your suspenders and calm, quiet, trash talk. Other than that, I must admit you weren’t really my focus. Sorry. Always a bridesmaid, I guess.
There were plenty of aspects of this DVD that really didn’t do it for me. Even so, I can imagine the difficulties that arise when attempting to marry quality production, decent acting, believable deviousness, and above board, legal behavior. Zoey’s set was a huge redemption and I am still and always will be a Superfan of Kink.com. I’m eager to keep an eye on this series and I hope some “kinks” will be “ironed out.” Yeah, I said that.