Rosa – L’Amourose
I’d heard the whispers surrounding L’amourose. The customer inquiries were quick with this one, and the Taboo Girl suggestions, too. When I asked my trusty distributor if L’amourose really lived up to the hype, she said “yes, actually,” and piled on more compliments to boot. Still, I delayed ordering. High end, impressive, and often expensive toys are debuting at a faster clip than ever before. Ten years ago, Fun Factory and Lelo were two of the only options for the discriminating consumer. These days, a buyer has actual decisions to make, so as much faith as I have in my customers, my employees, and my very favorite sales rep, I refrained.
But then the toy reviewers started speaking. As of this moment, I haven’t read more than the opening sentences of any L’amourose review. I’m not keen on my experience being swayed, and I still harbor a high school fear of unintentionally plagiarizing someone. The intros didn’t tell me much except for that these toys would likely BLOW MY MIND RIGHT OFF OF MY FACE, which, finally, was reason enough to stock up.
Without much research, I requested the Rosa. I’m all for trying new things, and this is the first toy I’ve seen that subs a vibrating base for the traditional clitoral stem. An unlikely means of effective clitoral stimulation, sure, but L’amourose is classy and French, so I trusted it. Also, I kind of hate Rabbits.
Before using my toy, I casually pulled up Lamourose.com on my phone for an easy explanation of what makes them so special. Under “philosophy” I expected information about the toys being crafted from a raw material recently discovered in a 5000 year old volcano which heats on touch, hums barely perceptible swan songs, and floods the user with infinite youth serum. What I found instead was a jumble of emotionally appealing words which slide by way too quickly on the mobile app and loosely translate to this:
Our products feel good. If you use them with a partner, you will feel close to your partner. If you use them alone, you will feel close to yourself.
Our products are attractively shaped. They will satiate your desire. (Those last three words are actually verbatim. I couldn’t help it.) SATIATE YOUR DESIRE.
We are French. We have high standards and an 18 month warranty. We know words like “furthermore” and “trajectory.”
Disappointed but not defeated, I clicked on “collections” and pulled up my treasured Rosa. The explanation for the vibrating base was that “stimulates a natural external feeling” that “compliments its internal capabilities.” So, basically, its there because ladies like clit stuff. It went on to boast a Flex and Shift (capitalized!) technology, which, as far as I can tell, just means its flexible enough to move with one’s body. Kudos, I guess.
With nothing left to do but masturbate, I broke open the box and found the following:
- a box within the box
- a user’s manual
- the beautiful, “ergonomically contoured,” fancy, French toy
- its equally ergonomic and fancy museum quality charing base
- borderline fancy storage pouch
- charging cable (not fancy)
- a warranty CARD, all black and gold with a declaration of inspection and a dubious barcode. It’s like Fruit of the Loom panties meets triple gold platinum American Express, and I am definitely going to carry it in my wallet.
The user’s manual gave me the skinny on how to operate the toy, which is pretty standard for an upper-end rechargeable toy: the plus sign turns it on and elevates intensity, the minus sign decreases intensity and powers it down, and the button in the middle cycles through modes. Nowhere were the modes defined, so I sat on the floor of my closet and pressed the button a dozen times to determine my five choices: vibration of the shaft, vibration of the base, vibration of both, slowly alternating pulsation, and quickly alternating pulsation.
The first thing I did after taking Rosa to bed was set both motors on steady, low vibration and insert her entirely, so as to experience the base’s clitoral vibration. The obvious problem with this is that the promising ERGONOMICALLY CONTOURED shaft was left basically doing nothing… vibrating, sure. Impressively rumbling, even. But a little too far in to hook onto that spot and not thick enough elicit much response at the opening.
The next thing I did was add a little motion, but losing that clitoral connection was simply not acceptable.
The third and fourth things I did were attempt to bend the toy so that the base reached my clitoris while withdrawing the shaft (which felt like an unsuccessful attempt at turning a nice toy into a toy that I hate) and rotating my hips in a wild and hopeless effort to elicit the fantastical “Flex and Shift technology.”
Eventually, I turned off the vibration at Rosa’s base and brought in Bodywand. I responsed entirely as expected.
L’amourose Rosa has a kick ass motor. It’s deep and rumbly (and not super-quiet, but who cares.) Its short neck and bulbous head is g-spot stimulator perfection. The base is even kind of handy, except that it exists primarily in front of the toy where a clitoral stimulator should be. L’amourose’s mistake, in my opinion, was presenting the base as a clitoral stimulator at all. It differentiates the toy, sure, suckers vibrator junkies like me into giving it a try, and might be fun for couples’ exploration. In serious masturbation, however, it’s a useless let down. Considering our shuddering climax after I dismissed its base, I think Prism V (a curved vibrator with no clitoral stimulator) would have easily won a five star review.
Giggle-worthy website and banal base aside, I believe L’amourose is a quality manufacturer. I loved a lot of things about Rosa. Unfortunately the differentiating quality I was focused on was not one of them. I believe in the toys and I’ll use Rosa regularly, but probably never with the base activated.
And now, I will read others’ reviews, and attempt artsy photographs of pretty Rosa in dirty snow.
For a different perspective, here’s what the Redhead Bedhead (who does not enjoy intense clitoral simulation) has to say:
“That wide, flared base? It lets me stimulate the perineal sponge, the urethra, the clitoris- ALL OF IT. Even the internal part worked for me, something about how rumbly it was and how I didn’t feel like I was being poked- it just worked.”
Dangerous Lilly used the shaft of the heating version, the Rosa Rouge, for clitoral stimulation:
“But I decided to just try using the shaft as an external vibe you know, just to see, curiosity killed the cat and all, and then it felt so nice that I didn’t want to stop and then whoops….I was coming. It really was just “okay wow, that feels awesome, just another few seconds and I’ll switch back….OH! HELL-O!”
The Big Gay Review loved Rosa as a prostate massager and voted it one of the best of 2015:
“Even on its lowest setting, the vibrations in the tip of the motor were so incredibly deep; I was feeling it all throughout my body. This only intensified when the speed was increased…. I couldn’t think of any other anal toy or vibrator (apart from the Magic Wand) that had this much power behind it.”
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