There are wands and there are wands. And there are wands, and wands, and wands. I’ve never met a wand I didn’t like, but I’ve never awaited one quite as anxiously as I awaited the Tantus Rumble. I practically counted down the days by ripping links from a paper chain. And by “practically,” I mean “actually.”

A brief history of Tantus, in case you’ve been ignoring me all this time: Tantus was founded by Metis Black, who began crafting superior silicone sex toys almost 20 years ago. She envisioned a world where sexually and ecologically friendly products weren’t reserved for a smattering of upscale boutiques. Through sex education and quality production, she has encouraged some of the industry’s biggest strides. I want to pick her brain for hours. Over drinks. In a hot tub.

A bevy of wand style massagers have hit the market since the Original Magic Wand. I’ve tried plenty and Taboo carries plenty more. For the most part, they’re pretty similar. I made a few of mine submit to a line up to help me tell them apart.

Here’s what makes the Rumble different, in order of personal awe-value:

• It’s light. I mean, it’s LIGHT. At 6.6 ounces, it’s a third the weight of the Original Magic Wand. I’d like to make a drinking game out of how many people comment on its weight immediately upon picking it up. I’d like to do that because I would get very drunk.
• Its head sits on angle, which is of course where the head of a wand should sit! Why hasn’t anyone else thought of this?
• That damn superior silicone encasing its head is so soft I almost want to skip the sex stuff and go straight to cuddling.
• That damn superior silicone encasing its head its easily removable for cleaning, because of course I’m not actually going to skip the sex stuff.

I took mine to bed with Alan, because one good Tantus toy deserves another. Tantus describes the Rumble as possessing “mid-range power,” which is a refreshing admission. I would describe it as mid to upper range and I do not consider that a negative. It’s not going to blast your clit off, but why would you want it to?

What it is going to do is deliver to your clitoris a soothing rumble that you’ll feel well beneath those super-sensitive surface nerve endings. The Rumble is to the clit what the Lelo Gigi is to the G-Spot. Just as you fear it isn’t living up to your exceptions, you turn to find a mounting orgasm already out of your control. The Rumble is like the wind, you guys, and your orgasm is a tsunami!

When I realized how quickly things were escalating, I switched to the pulsation modes, because y’all know I don’t care for that mess. Here’s where I had my biggest awe-inspiring moment: I actually kind of liked the pulsation! Typically, I get annoyed at anything other than steady vibration in a vaginal toy, but because the Rumble is so rumbly, the on/off pulsation patterns didn’t feel quite so staccato. That rumble continued to reverberate even when the toy paused, and the sensation was actually rather pleasurable!

Of course, I switched back to steady vibration before I climaxed (I hadn’t lost ALL sensibilities) and experienced a fine feel-it-in-my-toes moment on level two.

One last killer differentiation before Rumble and I go back to bed: The shaft of the wand features three conveniently spaced, easy to operate buttons. The power button turns the toy on and off. The plus and minus buttons carries you through its seven modes. If you want to go from level one to level two, you press the plus button, of course. But if you want to go back down to level one, all you have to do is press the minus button. Most toys force you to cycle through the upper levels to get back to the start. The Rumble’s system is incredibly comprehensive and efficient, and it allows someone like me, who is only flirting with pulsation, to give it a try without finding herself lost in jungle of elaborate patterns.

The weight of the wand, the ease of its buttons, and the tilt of its head all aid in the accessibility of this toy to a wide range of body types and physical abilities. What I’m saying is this toy is for you. Unless you dislike rumbly fun, feminism, and flowers, grab yours here.