“Planez” by Jeremih is a silly non-song. He names the “Mile High Club” multiple times. Other brilliant metaphors include spreading her wings and taking a trip to Cloud 9. His lady is invited to scream as loud as she wants (because nobody’s gonna hear.) He refers to himself as a pilot, which conjures up images of my toddler in a train conductor’s hat.

I know it’s a bad song not just because it’s repetitive and boring, but because even I can see through it. I’m forever forgiving hip hop its flaws and I have a serious soft spot for talented rappers. I find their confidence admirable–personally, professionally, and sexually. It’s over-the-top and regularly crosses bullying and misogyny, but what it lacks in manners it makes up for in motivation. Kanye is my best jogging partner and Wayne warms up my bed.

Which is why “Planez” is redeemed when J. Cole steps on.

I sit through the “legs in the air like a plane” crap every time, just to hear Cole’s verse. It’s smooth, slick, and dripping with sensuality. It’s also rude, vulgar, and pompous. This afternoon (Lil Wayne’s “Lollipop” in my ear buds as I finished up a run) it occurred to me that J. Cole’s feature might be worth deeper analysis. My impression of his lyrics might teach me something about myself, and my sexuality. I crossed my fingers that I’m not a self-deprecating masochist and delved in. Here is our call and response:

Cole World, I got it, I got it, I got it, listen

Yes, It is your world. It’s your world because you said so and I have no doubt that you’ve got it. Of course I will listen, because you’re confident and persuasive. So what did you have in mind?

You need a nigga that’s gon’ come over and dig you out

SOLD!

You need a nigga that you know is not gon’ run his mouth

I didn’t think about that, but that’s probably important. Thank you for your consideration.

You need a nigga when he done probably gon’ put you out

Wow, you weren’t just talking. You’ve got follow through.

You need a nigga that’s gon’ put it in your mouth

You’re making blush. And by “blush” I mean “excited.”

Dick so big it’s like a foot is in yo’ mouth

…and by “excited” I mean “physically aroused.”

And y’ain’t babysitting, but my kids all on yo’ couch

Clever. By calling attention to the fact that babies are made with the contents of your ejaculate, you’ve awakened my maternal instinct and also left me with the impression that you are a good and capable father.

And oh, you nasty, oh, oh, you nasty

That stung for a minute, but I like that you’re okay with the future mother of your children having a bit of a wild side. Would you maybe be cool with me writing publicly about masturbation? Fantastic.

Both graduated so fuck keepin’ it classy

You made it through some level of schooling! You are likely smart and career-oriented.

Look, they love me in the Chi like MJ

You are well loved.

They love me in the Chi like Oprah

You are well paid.

No nigga could block, not even Dikembe

You are athletic.

Compared to Cole, boy, you’re softer than a sofa

But let’s get back to you cumming on my couch.

And so far my new shit’s so fire, nigga, check my profile

Wait, you want me to follow you on social media? I mean, I thought we were past that, but okay….

Who you know make waves in the low tide?

You’re good at sex on land, in planez, AND at sea.

Deebo’ed yo’ bitch, now she both ours

You get what you want, and I can expect some group activity.

Little brown liquor in my liver, pretty brown thing in my bed

I also enjoy brown liquor, and the woman you propose to join us in our bed sounds nice.

Been a long time since I had to ask for head, so god damn don’t make me beg

You’re in demand…

But I will if I need to cuh for real, girl, I need you

…but I’m special.

I could put you on a flight, we could take off tonight

I can’t think of a single reason why not, as long as you don’t put on a pilot’s hat.

If you scared of heights, shit I got a pill I could feed you, Cole.

You’re sympathetic to any reservations I may have and this is bound to be a carefree experience. The fact that you punctuated it with your name conveys that the offer has been left on the table with confidence and I can take it or leave it, which is both hot and unburdening.

Well, I’m satisfied. I’m obviously clear-headed when it comes to hip hop and what turns me on is only logical.

Whether you’re a sucker for “Truffle Butter,” the smooth sounds of contemporary jazz get you going, or death metal drops your panties, you’re not wrong. In music, partners, toys, and life, it doesn’t matter what you enjoy as long as you enjoy it shamelessly. Like what you like, give respect where you want to, and keep sex fun. The only thing hotter than that is a one-eyed thug with a speech impediment inviting you to cook drugs in his kitchen.

What?