Here’s what’s great about receiving oral sex:
- Experiencing total relaxation and unadulterated pleasure
- Accepting the most intimate of reverences
- Being lavishly adored and cherished
Here’s what’s great about performing oral sex:
- Energetically providing unadulterated pleasure
- Bestowing the most intimate of reverences
- Choking and gagging a little, because you’re a dirty, dirty slut
Here’s when receiving and performing oral sex simultaneously is ideal:
- Ten minutes before the apocalypse, providing you’re a poor planner
- As part of a lesbian sex scene in which the director is going for some sort of sapphic circle situation
- High school
But really, just high school. It must have been a teenager who deduced that the only thing kinkier than giving or getting head must be doing both at the same damn time. What comes after the tired running of the sexual bases? Certainly not toys, anal, erotic massage, or role play. It must be inefficiently jamming your face into your partners genitals, offering slightly less pleasure than you’re pretending to receive, and possibly spraining a wrist.
When some smart study hall doodler translated the image of two bodies deadlocked in pleasureless crisis into 69, a mascot was born. 69 is cute code, and it works well on tee shirts.
Of course, images of mutual oral sex have existed far longer than the ninth grade, and they can be quite beautiful. Sixty-nine suggests yin and yang, a happy marriage of duplicity and equality. The ancient carving below portrays a circularly gratifying love scene.
But in real life, at least mine, taking turns makes far more sense. The giving and getting of head are unique pleasures. Indulging in both at the same time is a greedy misuse of resources. It’s like putting ice cream on your pizza. What could have been a hot dinner followed by a sweet treat becomes a tepid, soggy mess.
Let’s slow down, people, and enjoy each other. When performing oral sex, let your partner’s pleasure be an aphrodisiac. When receiving, your only job is to accept his or her attention.
Of course, if suffocating between the thighs of a suffering lover really is your thing, have at it. I don’t understand you, but I applaud you, and I’d like to buy you this shirt.