I don’t know where all of my batteries go. Seriously, it’s like a Captain Jack Sparrow and rum situation with me. After so much anticipation, my time with The Realistic Cock finally arrived and there were no batteries. There were none in my toy chest. There were no batteries in the junk drawer or the fridge. Seconds from panic, I noticed my cowering TV remote and once again stripped him of his AAs.

Doc Johnson offers its Realistic Cocks in two lengths, three shades, two materials, and with or without vibration. That’s a total of Alison-needs-to-revisit-middle-school-math different options. They’ve been around for forever. I had one before I opened Taboo (6″, hue two, non-ur3, vibrating) so at least 13 years ago.

Recently, though, the Realistic Cocks underwent some changes. The most obvious is in their presentation. The once horizontal boxes went vertical. While the new packaging is superior in every way, it’s going to take some serious visual merchandising ingenuity to make the new boxes mesh with the old. I’ll suck it up, though, because the new features are pretty bad ass.

The biggest deal in my book is that the new non-vibraring styles are now Vac-U-Lock compatible. Maybe this means nothing to you, but trust me, it’s huge. Let’s break for a crash course in strap-ons.

There are only two noteworthy ways to connect an interchangeable dildo to a harness: O-Ring and Vac-U-Lock. Doc Johnson invented and owns Vac-U-Lock, and while they offer a ton of options for attachments, it’s such a solid and popular system, you can never have too many. Making their Realistic Cocks Vac-U-Lock compatible (by hiding plugs inside their bases) widens the pool of candidates for Vac-U-Lock shoppers and limits the need for overlapping products. It’s like when Digital Playground started including Blu-Ray versions with every regular DVD feature. That was a good day. But I digress.

The vibrating versions received their own upgrade. The old style was powered by a bullet near the head. This means it’s battery compartment was attached by a cord and the dildo itself remained bendable. The new style is powered by a larger vibrator that fills the length of the shaft. It’s wireless and stiff. The realistic outer material is thick enough that the toy is still quite comfortable, but it won’t bend with your body the way the old ones would. The old style offered a few different functions, but the new one just vibrates low to high. The new version, however, is more powerful.

The Realistic Cock the Doc sent me is 8″, Caucasian, UR3, and vibrating. UR3, according to Doc Johnson, is “the most lifelike material in the world.” It’s essentially their version of Cyberskin, or any of a handful of other brand names that translate to “as real as it gets.” The Realistic Cocks were all “molded from an actual erect penis.” I can’t help but wonder how many different erect penises they used. Two sizes, three skintones, vibrating and non….

My Realistic Cock intimidates me a bit. It’s certainly not oversized, but I don’t deal much with husky toys. I’m also a little bit thrown by, but kind of secretly attracted to, its bouncy “big, realistic balls.” I put that in quotes because they’re actually advertised that way on the back of the box. The rigidity of the shaft really accentuates the bountiful buoyancy of the balls. I wonder if I’ll feel them. I wonder if I’ll want to feel them. I think I want to feel them.

I don’t feel them. At least at first. While the girth is actually far easier to accommodate than I feared, the length takes some easing into. The culprit is the shaft’s rigidity. When you find the right position, however, all problems are solved. A pillow under the hips serves nicely.

The vibration is easily manipulated via a dial at the base of the shaft. It travels the length of the toy and is plenty powerful. I pushed it to high, but could have been satisfied with half-way there. NOTE: If you prefer the old, more flexible style, Taboo still has some in stock. Get yours while the gettin’s good.

Hunting for batteries sucks, but here’s the thing about rechargeable toys: you have to actually charge them. I won’t name names, but my clitoral stimulator for the evening (cough, Maro Kawaii) kicked it half way through. The second one I pulled from my drawer was dead as a doornail. My Lelo Mona pulled me through, and without the my-fault snafus I’d rate the overall experience a ten.

Of course, with battery operated toys, you need to buy batteries. If you don’t, you’ll need to remember to remove them from the toy afterwards and refill the poor TV remote. In the process, you might end up sacrificing a AA to a cluttered closet floor. I won’t be catching Law & Order tonight, but I still think I came out a winner.

Get yours here!