Good head is not hard to find. Once out of their twenties, most practitioners have a decent idea of what they’re doing, and a little guidance goes a long way.

Simulated good head, however, is extremely hard to find. In the late nineties, your options were a couple of crude, over-sized tongues with freakishly pronounced taste buds. I had one of these, and I loved it. It basically batted one’s clit around like a kitten with a ball of string, a metaphor I carried over into my review of the Gyrating Pleasing Flutter. Taboo still carries this toy and I still recommend it.

A decade or so ago, Sqweel kicked things up a notch. Its wheel of rotating, virtual tongues introduced a never before felt lapping sensation. Sqweel has since been replaced by the upgraded Sqweel 2 and joined by Sqweel Go and a male masturbator, Sqweel XT. Sqweel still claims to be the world’s best selling oral sex toy.

Clitoral pumps have existed for a while, but I generally find the suction inconsistent and the vibration weak. Every one I’ve ever had, I’ve eventually turned on its side, bypassing the dumb ticklers to achieve stronger stimulation.

And then there’s this, which has been around since that hair and that font. It’s not necessarily a bad toy, but its best enjoyed between sending a fax and consulting your palm pilot.

Such limited options combined with the fact that cunnilingus is essentially the very best thing ever made the debut of The Womanizer extremely exciting. Women were so excited, in fact, that we were wiling to overlook its unimaginative and patronizing name. We didn’t even care that it resembles an ear thermometer wearing a mumu in the suburbs of Miami.

Such was the buzz surrounding The Womanizer that before I even had a chance to take my pants off and give her a go, a competitor hit the market. Carrying a less offensive name and a 60% smaller price tag, the Satisfyer wasted no time rapping at my door. I had planned to resist him–I really had–but he was gold, and free, and said he gave good head, so….

The toys’ designs are essentially the same. Both feature a circular, silicone head designed to fit directly over the clitoris which, when activated, performs a sucking motion. Satisfyer claims 11 “programs.” Womanizer has five.

When I received my Satisfyier, I demonstrated it in an Instagram video where I made faces like this:

The toy is crazy loud and reminds me of a vagina-attacking alien, things I was willing to overlook if it indeed gave good head.

It does not give good head.

So, okay, it starts off kind of good. I was like, “Ohh… yeah… this DOES feel real. I could definitely dig this.” But I thought that for only the first thirty seconds. Like with a real mouth, those initial, delicate touches are disarmingly sensual. When you really get into it, though, The Satisfyer is that guy you dated in high school who thinks that the harder he sucks, the more excitement he’ll pull from your body. As with that guy in high school, you want to pull the toy closer and push him away at the same time. Eventually, I flipped him to his side and used not the suction but the vibration from the edge. That’s right–I reduced him to a lousy clitoral pump. He brought it on himself.

And also, those 11 modes? Nope. Dude has one mode. No matter how many times I pushed the button, the intensity was the same.

So confused and disappointed was I by our experience, I held off on reviewing the Satisfyer until I’d had a chance to sample the Womanizer. When I heard  mine was coming, I was like:

and when it got here, I was like:

By comparison, the Womanizer feels weak. Typically, this would have disappointed me, but after the insensitive rodeo Satisyfer put me through, I anticipated she’d be a refreshing bedmate.

My Womanizer is the W500, an upgraded version that features eight levels of intensity. And guess what? She actually does feature eight, easy to differentiate levels of intensity. The W500 is a bit smaller and rounder making her the teeniest bit more attractive and easier to hold. Her gaudy rhinestone on/off button, however, screams “We haven’t left Miami yet!” She comes with two easy to detach and clean stimulation heads.

One of my favorite oral sex scenes is between Nyomi Banxxx and Dana DeArmond. I played that in my head while playing with The Womanizer. Aside from a skull to squeeze with my thighs, there was little lacking in Womanizer’s performance. The gentle sucking was just right.

Boosting it up to levels two, three, and four (I didn’t rise above four) made me nervous, but I needn’t have been. Womanizer increases her pressure gradually and I never felt overwhelmed.

I regretted introducing Rashad because in my fantasy it necessitated Nyomi spontaneously sprouting a phallus from her chin. While working through different scenarios where her mouth and someone’s penis might easily occupy almost the same space, however, our experiment came to a fantastically fulfilling close.

As I wrapped up this review, a sudden storm came through, knocking out the power. I finished by candlelight, because such is my commitment to you. In the morning, I photographed Satisfyer and Womanizer amongst the wreckage. It seemed a fitting environment, because they fought hard. Satisfyer, however, came hollering with fists raised while The Womanizer kept her head in the game. That extra attention makes her well worth the extra bucks.

Get the Womanizer W500 here.

Try the original Womanizer here.

Not convinced? Pick up the Satisfyer here.