Once every six months or so, I get fed up with the clutter and decide to pare down my toy collection. When you accumulate toys as quickly as I do, your box can get quite full. There’s nothing wrong with that, unless you’re your “toy box” is three substantial dresser drawers.

Call me obsessive, but every time I put my mind to downsizing, I can find nothing worth parting with. I unearth unappealing toys I might actually use one day and outdated toys I really enjoyed once. Toys with fond memories attached and toys that just barely, but none-the-less, get the job done. I scrutinize each before unfailingly placing them back into their drawer.

A couple of weeks ago, I put my foot down. I waited until everyone was out of the house and forced myself to take every last toy, no matter how precious, out of the drawer and place it into a pile on my bed. I categorized my stacks by style, usability, and sexiness. I’m proud to announce that I ended up with a full trash bag and three organized drawers of happy toys with breathing room.

For your entertainment, here are few of my local landfill’s newest residents:

Vibro Clit Sucker Thingy

If you lube this up well, place it precisely on your clit, and pump until your fingers go numb, you might find some thoroughly dissatisfying suction. However, if you remove the soft sleeve and jam the side of it against your clitoris, you will likely experience orgasm in 60-90 minutes.

Power Blue Duo

Looking for a good Throwback Thursday vibrator? This is it. Its rumbling vibrations will make you come while conveniently notifying the neighborhood. Also, it’s made of hi-tec hard plastic. But hey, the color is soft.

Bulk Anal Beads

This toy was the crudest, the least expensive, and the hardest to throw away. It was my first purchase from Taboo Lingerie, the young lingerie shop that eventually became Taboo. They were intended for use with a partner who passed away before we got the chance. A terrible story, I know, but a cheap white string and hard plastic balls were never actually a good idea for my anus.

(The Original) Blockbuster

One day, when I was feeling ambitious and/or suffering a bout of temporarily insanity, I decided an 11.5 inch dildo would be a fun way to mix thing up. For a little more spice, I chose one that was rock hard and completely inflexible and unyielding. Our time together was distressing and brief, but I hoarded him anyway.

Octopus Icicle

This arrived at Taboo with a slightly chipped handle, so, against my better judgment, I brought it home. “Just go slowly,” I cautioned my partner, and two inches later I screamed “take it out, take it out!” Size is cool. Glass is cool. Ridges are cool. Frequent, extreme ridges on a thick glass toy are. not. cool.

I would advise you to not buy these toys, but luckily, you can’t. Most, if not all, have been discontinued. Looking for something better? I whole-heartedly recommend this, this, or this. Or, stop by Taboo. We have a plethora of toys that will not infuriate or traumatize you. Hey, I think I just found a new tagline.