I’ve got dildos, y’all. A healthy number of dildos. And by that I mean a probably unhealthy number of dildos. Some have suction cups. Some have foreskin. Some are vibrant colors. Some represent real men. Some are imaginary boyfriends.

And some are your average seven inch phalluses, complete with smallish balls and a sparing amount of realistic texture.

Of course, the XX Europa would balk at being referred to as ordinary. He’s constructed with DUAL DENSITY SENSA FEEL TECHNOLOGY. This means that he has a “firm inner core and a soft outer core.” The outer “core” to me sounds especially rare and fancy. If you doubt his doubt his furturoticness (See, Blush, I can make attributes up, too) check out this 1980s version of the 2000s on his packaging.

Speaking of packaging, the XX Europa’s tagline is “Double Your Pleasure,” a phrase that conjures the following:

• Chewing gum
• Twins riding bikes
• Sex with twins
• Sex with twins riding bikes
• Sex with twins riding bikes, chewing gum

Being promised double pleasure and actually getting two “cores” is like when your bachelor party stripper is really your betrothed. It’s… sweet. (Yawn.)

I kid, Europa. Mostly, I kid.

Proof of Europa’s twin cores lies in the fact that he’s visually identical to this guy…

…but he feels much different. The Loverboy Pool Boy (a close friend of my guy, Kingpin) is also crafted by Blush, apparently with the same mold. When you remove The Pool Boy and Europa from their packages, however, the difference is quite clear. You need only to touch them to feel it, but for the full effect I recommend bouncing them on twin knees and giving their balls little pinches for good measure. Preferably in public.

Ye Ole Pool Boy is much more firm and less realistic feeling. I like him, but I like him a bit less with the slight squish of Europa in my grasp. Europa maintains optimal firmness but cloaks it with satisfying softness. The price difference between these two is only eight dollars, and I think its well worth it. I’d pay eight bucks just to squeeze on Europa’s tip a bit, followed by a super-scientific wind test. (Video on Instagram.)

And believe it or not, there are actually more exciting things you can do with Europa than a wind test. You could:

• Put it in your vagina
• Put it in your anus
• Suction it to a wall and then put it in your vagina
• Suction it to a wall and then put it in your anus
• Put it in someone else’s vagina or anus
• Put it in a harness and then put it in someone else’s vagina or anus
• Find some gum-chewing twins on bikes and put it in their vaginas and/or anuses with or without aid of a wall or harness

I chose the last option, but the twins I stumbled upon were fresh out of gum, so I settled for the first.

To me, Europa felt awesome. He didn’t feel Tantus or Vixskin awesome, but he’s a good-time toy with a great price. If you’re looking for a comfortable, affordable, mid-sized, caucasian dildo, I’d recommend Europa or one of his friends.

Get yours here!